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Tuesday, October 10, 2006Today my post is not one of humor, and can be I guess taken as a sap entry.. Perhaps to some of you it may be taken as a "I cannot believe she is writing or feeling this way." I guess that is one of the many differences of myself and people in general... We each carry unique differences about ourselves which set each other apart......... However today my blog entry could not be written in honesty, if I did not show that............
I work in an area that is considered a mountain lodge resort within a city. Alot of people have no idea that this place is out here until they drive the path, and then they take notice of its gentle natural habitat, and its seclusion from the hustle and bustle of the city...... On the way home yesterday I normally take the same subdivision road to take a few minutes off of my time in avoiding traffic... However an unexpected challenge unfolded into an already challenging frame of mind that I have been experiencing lately......
I saw the little girl and a big dog at the mailbox... I slowed down even more and it was like a slow movie clip, I saw this huge dog run out to my truck. I swerved and hit my brakes as hard as I could.... I felt the right side of my truck go up, heard the popping thump, and the loud screams of a little girl..... I looked in my rearview mirror and saw this poor dog whimpering and struggling to get up and it couldnt.... By this moment I was screaming and in tears.... I ran my truck into a ditch, turned it off and ran to the little girl trying to console her as I watched this her dog do it's best in crawling to the drive way...... By this time the parents came outside along with a few curious neighbors........... The family of the dog rushed to his side to assess how bad he was.... I am still standing there in tears with only the words- "I'm sorry" blubbering from my lips.......
The husband and father came over to me and hugged me....
"Maam, are you alright- is your truck alright?"
My truck? I am wondering... "My truck is fine, I am fine- but I am so sorry.So sorry..."
He goes back to the dog and states he will call the Vet..His wife is kneeling next to the dog and she is stroking him- trying to console him...... I watched in horror like I was in a dream as her hands stroked this helpless family member gasping for air.... Her hands stroke his right hip area, where my tire marks are left visable in his fur........ I kneel down next to him and stroke his neck area...I am whispering between tears how Sorry I am... He raises his head and looks at me.... His eyes, pleading...and yet I wonder in my heart if it was something else he was trying to convey to me....... He laid his head back down, and short whimpers and gasps of air start to take hold...... Having worked for a Vet, I knew certain emergency treatments- however nothing prepared me for an incident of my doing in watching an animal die in front of another family...... I still stroked him and spoke to him as I took my shaking hand, and pulled leaves and twigs out of his mouth from where he had drug himself into the driveway....... it was then that I noticed the blood that started to flow from his mouth..... His breathing were now in counts of 5, then 4 - 3.............. I got up and stared- shaking....... The Wife gets up and comes up to me, and we embrace in a hug... I held her as she cried, and she held me as I cried.....It was all that we could do......
I helped them load him onto a flat hard fold up table, covered him in a blanket and gave them information on how to contact me...... They were still taking a chance and made a mad dash out of the drive way to get him to an emergency vet hospital......... I was left there in the drive way...... Listening to the children cry and the next door neighbor consoled them......... I looked at the neighbor..... She never spoke to me.. She spoke about me to the Family....
"I hit their dog.......... I was the one that killed him"
I got back in my truck- and cried all the way home... My evening last night was silent.... I had to explain to my son what I had done......
"Did you mean to do it Mom?"
"No......I tried to avoid him....but I didnt...."
"I am sorry Mom, that your sad............."
"Thank you babes, we will pray about tonight when you go to bed....."
And that we did..... With everything going on in my life right now, this was not another notch that I needed or wanted...... I found myself being pissed at God for the moment in that of "Why give me another challange when I am trying to make it through the other?"
I knelt on my knees as my son and I held hands..... I closed my eyes, and listened to this 11 year old ask God to make me feel better, to forgive me for hurting this dog, to bless the family who was hurting, and for so many other things wrong in our world.... I looked at him after it was all said and done, and put my head in lap and cried... I cried for what I was going through, what had happened, and for his innocence- in knowing that God had honored his prayer.
I went to bed last night at 9pm... Tired and worn out..and yet woke up in the middle of the night- replaying it all over again..Hearing the screams- looking into his eyes- seeing my marks on his crushed pelvis.......... I havent slept yet since 1 am..... I guess, I am in my own way of grieving..... I dont know.......All I know is that I avoided that route today, and I do not know if I should stop by to check on the family, or anything....it is my dilemma....my grieving.....alone....
I do not know your name
I do not know how long you had been with your family
But what I do know is that they loved you very much......
I do know that you were a friend, a protector, a loyal companion....
I am so sorry for what happened... I am so sorry for perhaps a painful death...
I am so sorry....