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Tuesday, December 05, 2006This post people is a freakin Blast from the Past... If you can recall my post a while back referring to my best friend Anne and her boyfriend Jimmy, then you know where this is going...On this particular blast- this was during the explosion of Karaoke Madness!
One day after work, Jimmy called Anne, and was ecstatic about a new Karaoke Bar that had just opened up...
Anne- "Hey Hooker!" Jackass called and wants to take us to a new Karaoke Bar, so get your ass in gear!
Me- "Where is it at?"
Anne-"I don't know but leave it to Jimmy to find something new."
So- Jimmy comes to pick us up from work and we drive South of Atlanta..Waaaaay South of Atlanta..As I am sitting in the back seat getting dolled up, it dawns on me that we are no where in Atlanta anymore..We are somewhere out in the freakin boonies...
Me- "Hey Jackass, how much farther is this place?"
Jimmy- "Tootie, keep your panties on we are almost there!"
I start to get a little paranoid, as all I am seeing are woods.. And behold- the Karaoke Center of Redneck Alley...Not only is this joint out in the middle of no where, but it is in what seems to be an old run down gas station that resembles a few trailors all hooked together....
Me- "Dude, have you lost your mind? I am not going in there!"
Jimmy- "Tootie take a pill and come on this is going to be fun!"
Me- "I don't give a damn! Do you know they still lynch people back here???"
Jimmy-"Tootie, no one is hanging anyone...Now- get out of the car and let's go!"
Me to Anne- "You know what, Jimmy is always getting us into some shit, don't you remember what he did to my hair??"
Anne- "Hooker, let's just go inside, have a drink and leave."
So with that being said..We are all out of the car and staring at this trailor with a Huge Pink Neon sign that says "RUSTYS"
Now people- during this time, if you can imagine, a few months prior to this I allowed Jimmy- to dye my hair blonde, which fell the fuck out...So- instead of me having to cut it all off, I had to have hair extensions put in to help my hair to grow...I was cute..It was all the way to my back, and jet black- so I was looking every bit of the Latina that I am..... Also with that description Anne and I were managers for a Cosmetic-Industry therefore we were Divas...Nails, Toes, Make up the whole nine...We both spritzed ourselves with Tommy Girl perfume, threw our gucci purses over our shoulders and sashayed into this bar... All I can recall are the chirping sounds of crickets...When we walked in- the music stopped, and the people fell silent..And stared right at us...Jimmy, the Queen in leather, Anne and I in prostitution high dollar attire..It was *Classic* I leaned into Annes shoulder to whisper-
Me- "Let's get the hell out of here"
Anne- "No..walk to the bar and just be calm."
We walk up to the bar, and everything resumes it course... We sit down at the bar, and this lady who is the bartender turns around and she has a big eye patch across one eye, a few manly tattoos on both arms, and a ciggarette hanging from her bottom lip.
Me- whispering.."Oh shit- what happened to her eye?"
Anne kicks me under the barstool...
Bartender- "Whata yall have?"
I stuttered and asked for a Tequiza with a lime....
Bartender- "We aint got no Tequiza, gots sum Tequilla"
Me- "well that will do please and make it a double skip the limes"
We get our drinks and we mozey over to a table..Which by the way when we sit down the whole booth seat flys off. Jimmy is all excited and is at the stage putting in his song requests...
Then enters Mr. Brut.... No- it isnt his *real* name- it is the name I gave him because he fell into a vat of Old Spice and or Brut....He walks over to our table...
Me- "Oh shit, Anne, please get him to go away."
Brut Man- "Hi Ladies....."
He takes off his little John Deer Cap and looks at me...
"You wanna dance?"
Me- "Ohhhh no Sir...thank you anyways."
Anne- "Hooker dance with our new friend! Go On! I am ok!"
By this time I shoot Anne a eat crap look, kick her under the table, and I cringe as I place my hand into Mr. Bruts hand...He hugs onto me tight and we start to Texas Two Step over broken beer bottles and popcorn seeds...I could have sworn I saw a roach crawling near a table on the wall..... After the speedy quick rendition of Cotton Eye Joe, I decided enough was enough, excused myself from the grips of Mr. Brut and went back to my table.... By this time I tell Jimmy and Anne, I am ready to go....But noooooooo...Jimmy is now being called on stage to sing...And he does very well I might add..Afterwards I grab my purse to hurry everyone along until my name is called along with Jimmy for a duet...I shake my head no and gesture for him to let's go....
Mr Brut Man- "Little lady, I reckon you not going just yet till ya sing with that der fella..."
So- I throw my purse at Anne, who is in tears from laughing, and I make my way to the mini stage. Our song of Jimmies choice.... Clint Black and Lisa Hartman Black- When I say I do... And wouldn't you just know it, when we finished we had every missing tooth stringy haired person hoopin and hollering...I kindly smiled and hurried back to my table, grabbed my purse and told Anne and Jimmy I was ready to go and I walked to the front door..Only to be stopped by Brut Man...
Brut Man- "Little Lady, where you off to?" "Stay a little while?"
I jump in the car and wait for Jimmy and Anne...
Jimmy- "Hooker, you were the shit!"
Anne- "Hooker, you had that little man chasing you all around!"
They both thought this was funny.. I kept silent..Until of course 15 minutes later down the road...
Jimmy- "Hey Hooker! You smell like Old Spice..."
Me- "Fuck you."