Who Is Callie?
I am "The Full Monty"- Vibrant, Educated, Articulate, Twisted.
Absinthe Drinker, Diverse and Sensual,.
World Travel Freak, Guiness Beer Drinker, Simplistic and Flirt!
Lover of Life, Trying To Keep The Flow, On a Journey unknown. Won’t you Join Me?
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Thursday, October 18, 2012Who would have thought that one day I, Callie would post something so unforeseen that not even I can believe that I am..and yet this is one of those posts. A post that I did not ever think I would have to post about- and yet should because not only will this help me but maybe someone else. Yesterday as I got home from work, I looked at my sons report card and my mouth hit the floor. My bright, handsome, funny, honor student, reserved teen was not only failing close to 3 classes in his senior year - but is also smoking weed in my home, me totally unaware. I have written about my son before in previous posts. He is just the most amazing young man. Smart as a whip....gentle and kind....soft spoken....giving....and now an illegal drug user. Ok so some of you out there will read this and be able to whip out the legalities of why *weed* is good for the soul. Yeah yeah. I know and heard all the bullshit on that. And yes, it's your choice. But this is not acceptable to me as a parent- as I am paying the bills, and putting the clothes on his back, food on the table. He is under my roof therefore he or anyone else would need to abide by the house rules.
I am sure it was not his intention nor perhaps did he think things would have come to a head like that did last night. After viewing his report card and listening to bullshit excuses I recall seeing myself step out of my body and ripping X-box shit out of the wall. Cords flying here and there.. Video games being snatched from this way and that. Electronic devices being thrown up against walls.... And then I went to his room.. Opened a drawer and proceeded to dig through looking for games. cell phones. i pods...and then I stopped...and I asked him... :"Do you have any drugs or any paraphernalia hiding in this room? " "Yes Maam" he said softly....and my heart sank.....my body merged into the one that was out of control, and I responded cooly... "I want it all now"........... I watched as my son dug through a drawer and handed me a prescription bottle that was unmarked but filled with a substance I dont recgonize I just took his word for what it was. I asked him who else he was smoking with he told me his friends. These same friends that I have taken into my home as my sons. His brothers..they all grew up together.. I told my son to get dressed...and we drove over to their house and I had a meeting with their parents *who by the way were uncontrollable in their emotions and reactions as I had to inform them that they were all doing this*.............by the time I left I was in shambles. My mind racing. my son not speaking to me...... We got home and went our seperate ways. He in his room. Me in mine. I cried myself to sleep... I cried so hard- whispering in the night while bawling in my pillow. "God, whatever grace you have given to me, pour it out on my son..and bring him back to me..."
This morning my home is solemn. I took him to school in hopes of having a more rational conversation as last night, I was not the mom..the friend.. I was his worst nightmare. I cussed. I yelled. I was angry and hurt..so hurt. In a more calmer approach and voice, I told him we would need to discuss some things when I got home..He needed to do some things in school that I asked him to do.... I also mentioned to him- that if there was anything in his locker that didnt need to be there, get rid of it. One of the things I also found out- when confronted- no names of who the sellers are come into the open or in play. No one was willing to narc on anyone- which meant that I have no idea of touching base with these students without having my own either beat up- or killed. This mornings conversation was not a good one also...I was met with silence- to a "i dont think you love me and I hate you." "I hate you." my son.....the young man that has NEVER given me any issues now hates me. Though you readers and yes somewhere in my psyche and puffy red eyes say "Callie, he didnt mean it" to know that my child is suffering inside to produce that- kills me.... I called my mom....
"Momma, my son now hates me...." I whispered to her in choked tears... "Momma, did I ever tell you that growing up?" She said she would plea the fifth..but yes..my brother and I did...but she knew it was in the moment... I apologized profusely to my mom.. I cant remember saying that..ever...But if it caused her as much pain as what I feel in this moment of typing this.... My heart feels like it is going to burst.... So.....what to do.... We as parents...we do what we can....we try and do the best we can by them.....I am racking my brain trying to retrace if i did something wrong...what could i have done different...and so much more..... And yet...also in this moment... I recognize a war. A war with my son, and so many other kids and teens today. I refuse to give up on my child and will fight for him. I have too....he is destined for so much greater than what he sees or knows. as are so many other kids and teens... They are worth the fight.....