The following post will contain violent images, bloody mind boggling graphics and of course a dash of wit thrown in. Should this offend you, please use your mouse and click to something else. If not- then continue to proceed/ although Ms. Callie already knows her audience gets a kick out of her mind boggling thoughts and actions, therefore this Warning could be BS.

And I did try and warn you all yo! Check this out... I reached a potent moment in my life when I realized after getting out of the shower a few mornings ago that I had run out of Tampons and Pads. Because I had spent the last 50.00 dollars on other things of importance, I had to make a choice, either create my own tampons and pads, OR use those freakin Instead diaphragm tampons. You remember those right? I wrote about it months ago in my blog about the advantages and disadvantages about using those. I unfortunately had a rough time with them, and therefore meant to send them back to the company for a refund since they offer a guarantee - but I kept forgetting and just threw them in my bathroom cabinet. Alas, I broke down and opted to give it another try....And Surely low and behold, the same incident occurred and I ended up having to text an SOS to my friend *Hope*- here begins the hysteria.

Me: Yo- OK pray. I ran out of tampons and pads and all I have are these freakin tampons

that are like used for tampons and I can't get it out!

Hope: Bear down like childbirth and try!

Now- knowing how Hopes humor runs rampant in her mind I had to hit her back with another message during this moment of hysterical proportions.

Me: Don't laugh. This is sooooo not funny! nor is it a chic thing. I have a vacuum for a vagina!

and of course I attached a non happy face because I was really feeling pitiful.

I mean I was only spread eagle on the bed on top of a mound of towels with one hand stuck in my vacuum trying to extract a device the damn package states is safe, convenient, dependable.

After trying to calm down by doing a few breathing yoga breaths -I give myself a huge grunting push and the bastard shot out like a tennis ball in one of those automatic server machines. I know.I am real sexy people. Maybe this will explain why I am single. and should any guy want to date me, perhaps he would relish the thought of a ping pong shooting companion.

After that episode I dug high and low in my purse and found coffee money and could not flinstone it fast enough to the drug store in which I purchased a box of a more, dependable, non getting lost devices. Oh but the drama does not end there! I sent the company of the get lost device an email explaining my dilemma and this is what they sent back. Check it.

Subject:
Instead Softcup Question
Date:
Mon, 21 Jan 2008 11:39:28 -0800
From:
"Instead Customer Service"
To:
aolani_06@yahoo.com

Callie, I applaud you for trying the Cup again. (applaud my ass people) It often takes women several attempts to get used to using the Softcup properly and comfortably. If leaking starts right away (within 30 minutes) then the Cup is probably not covering your cervix properly. (it got lost so it's gotta be covering something properly) When you insert the Cup, make sure the reservoir of the Cup is covering your cervix. The leading rim should slide all the way back behind your cervix and the front rim should tuck up behind your pubic bone. (It was in hiding like freakin Al Qaeda) If you're sure the Cup is in properly and is covering your cervix you should be able to feel the tip of your cervix covered by the cup's reservoir, and you are still experiencing leakage, it may be that you need to change the Cup more often. The Cup can be worn on heavy flow days, but must be changed more often that on lighter flow days. You may need to wear the Cup with a backup pad or pantyliner until you figure out how long you can wear the Cup on heavy flow days. When the Cup fits particularly snugly into the vagina, it can sometimes be difficult to remove. (Difficult??? Explain to me how much more difficult can this get when your already sending out an SOS?) But every woman’s anatomy is different. Removal problems are more likely to happen if you have relatively short fingers and cannot reach deeply enough into the vagina to reach the rim, and/or if your vaginal vault is long. (Ok..so..I have either short fingers, or a highly developed vagina. Which is it?) One tip: if you cannot reach the rim easily when you are trying to remove it, try bearing down with your pelvic muscles as though you were trying to have a bowel movement. This works even better if you are squatting.(So now I am a squatter) This may move the Cup toward the vaginal entrance, closer to your finger. This is what the nurse was suggesting. (Props to Hope!)It makes removal easier if you are having trouble grasping the rim with your finger. You might also try squatting down when trying removal not just squatting over the toilet, but squatting down close to the ground. (Now I am to become a carpet squatter) This pushes down on the pelvic area, and may bring the Cup closer to the vaginal entrance. You can try this in the shower to reduce the messiness. (Messiness? Ma'am, by the time I finished with that episode I looked like a hacker from a serial killer movie.)If you still have a lot of trouble removing the Cup even with these techniques, you may be one of the 10% or so women who can’t use the Cup, and will have to stick with tampons with a removal string. (sighs- now I am reduced to a percentage, a carpet squatter, a ping pong shooter, and a vacuumed vagina kegel exercising mofo- who will probably keep a man very satisfied or either he will be scared that my suction might overwhelm him. Yeah- It aint easy being green people.)

Sincerely,Mary

INSTEAD Customer Servicecustomer_service@softcup.com

Such is my life...such is my life...

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