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Monday, October 08, 2007
Unfortunately, I have nothing witty today for all of you that are stopping by for some swank belly laughs. I will however recommend that you mozey over to my friend Jerry's site. It's on my blog roll......And well, I know I read his stuff daily to get my laugh on at times also....
I know that some of you may have felt that I was weirded out on doing a Funeral Arrangement blog entry..I told you all that it may have seemed morbid, but you know- as I got to thinking and writing about it, I do not think it morbid at all........ I have also been dealing with some other things, but most importantly-with my friend who is dying of prostrate cancer... One day we speak, and then days later nothing..... And when we do catch up- he either cannot recall our speaking days before, Or he simply is just too tired to respond.... This has taken a big toll on me.....He is still- in my frame of mind, a person who is vibrant and hunts all of the time for deer season...Always being a Tim the Tool Man Taylor around his house..Always jovial and sarcastic to the point that he and I would just go at each others throats.....And now- this person I have known for years, now sends me emails telling me of his days- where he now has to use a wheelchair to move around, where he now is in the bed by 7 pm.- where he now is hooked up to all kinds of machines at times of the day or week, because his organs are failing him, where he no longer can stand in a shower, but has to sit down in a chair made for one.
And it just really..........breaks my fucking heart......And yet- I cannot at this time visit him- although he is an hour away....I do not know how I would react or respond seeing him in this state....I find myself these days- not bothering him of my issues..My issues are nothing compared to his...I would rather keep it as such....Instead- I send him emails, and call him with a cheerleader voice and attitude that I am sure would make anyone sick.....and I want to....I want to visit..I just cannot find the strength to do it, and I am afraid that when I do- it will be the last...and I do not want it to be......
I found myself not to long ago- breaking down and telling him basically, I was not such a good friend to him before when we first met..I used him....I needed and asked his forgiveness....He in turn asked me not to cry, and replied that there was nothing to forgive, we were both mean to each other- but we have both grown to love each other......I am not speaking of that Prince Charming, Cinderella love...I am speaking of a love of true friendship in which forgiveness in asking, and getting surpasses the weight in gold..Because it brings you to a level of humbleness.....and yes....brokeness in order to move on.......So.....here I am.....in a battle...ya know?
Ok..so...now that I have perhaps cried enough this morning, I shall end this post, because my mascara is burning my eyes.....