Who Is Callie?

I am "The Full Monty"- Vibrant, Educated, Articulate, Twisted. Absinthe Drinker, Diverse and Sensual,. World Travel Freak, Guiness Beer Drinker, Simplistic and Flirt! Lover of Life, Trying To Keep The Flow, On a Journey unknown. Won’t you Join Me?

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  • Saturday, February 14, 2009

    I never really listened to the lyrics of the song Smokey Robinson sang about- but it was a hit of his years ago entitled "Tears of a Clown".. He sings about how he smiles, and jokes and what not, however underneath it all, lies tears.My heart hurts. Everything right now hurts. I woke up this morning and wouldn't you know it- Valentines Day. I hate it. truly. For singles, it is a depressing day. And to add insult to injury, every where I went thus far- people were telling me "Happy Valentines Day". I found myself growling at the gas station attendent. I just wanted to slap the shit out of him. "WHAT" pre-tell am I to be happy about on Valentines Day?

    My heart is hardened. I have hit an all time level of stress that I have not had in a while- or possibly never. I think this is a never situation as I am having bodily discomforts. I don't sleep. I have not slept in a day or two. I snoozed, but other than that I lay awake in my bed tossing and turning at all hours of the night.Being out of work, blows major donkey balls. I mean, I am angry. Angry at knowing that I did what I could to make things work for these people and they just decide to make shit up and now I am out of a job! I am having to fight for what is right, fight for my needs that of my sons. I am fighting for my integrity at times and all that I know.I never thought I would see the day where I would have to contemplate on how to make a meal out of nothing. Talk about turning a few loaves of bread and fish to make a meal. I am relying on that each day.

    To know that people have that kind of control of anothers life. It escapes me.I am not one to fall into depression, and yet I have. I recognize the signs, the crying all of the time, the wanting to believe in hope only to let it go because- you know- hope right now is dim. I barely have just enough light to feel my way through.I lie in my bed at night and just cry, and I tell God, "You know, I am not a great person, I am but a speck of sand- but damn it, can I get a break? Can I get something or obtain something good once in a while?" "When is it going to be my turn?"

    I don't get an answer. I have had words in my church. yeah- I kinda lost my shit. I basically told everyone- that I was tired of listening to the same ole- same ole. I know where my beliefs are, I know how much I depend on what little faith I have left to just get out of the bed. I know all of this. Tell me something I don't know though. Tell me what people are to do when the answer always seems to be "no"...or when they rely on faith and do what they can to better themselves they take 5 steps forward and get knocked 75 steps back.Needless to say it was silent. No one said anything. "I understand" I said to myself silently. I will just continue to walk it alone. and then I walked back to my seat and just cried. I "feel" alone.

    Although people say- "Your never alone" that's bullshit. It kinda goes with the saying- "Customers are always right" and we all KNOW that aint true.I will be 39 in a few weeks. 39. I don't even know what to say about that. Other than- I am not looking forward to it. That will be perhaps another day to add a nail to my coffin. Oh wait, I am not going to be buried, I asked to be cremated.

    Ok. so. I have perhaps cleared my thoughts for now. this is where I am at.


    Pele my Calendar RAWKS MAJOR SOCKS! Ummmmm...all I can envision is coconut oil being splashed on those bodies and me playing slip and slide on top! Hahahaha

    Chris Brown- needs his ass beat! Young punk beoytch!