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I am "The Full Monty"- Vibrant, Educated, Articulate, Twisted. Absinthe Drinker, Diverse and Sensual,. World Travel Freak, Guiness Beer Drinker, Simplistic and Flirt! Lover of Life, Trying To Keep The Flow, On a Journey unknown. Won’t you Join Me?

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Monday, January 08, 2007

Warning- the following blog may be filled with intense emotion-but a great outlet because it is FREE therapy!

January 8th, 2006- My son and I went to church.. I had a feeling in my stomach that something was not *right*....We got back home from church and the house looked like a tornado had gone through it..... "Mom, did we get robbed?".......I looked around the house and saw the letter..."I am leaving......R." I looked at my child, and told him that he could go outside for a while before we left to go back to church for a picnic.... He did....While he was gone, I got on the phone and called R and asked him to explain to me what was going on- to try and get some answers... He did not really give me anything, but the ever infamous words- "This marriage fell apart because of you."....... I hung up and cried.. Not a small tear jerker cry, but a hard gut wrenching cry...... A few hours later my son came home and saw me....He came up to me, and asked what was wrong..I grabbed his hands and told him to sit down...And this is what I said:

"Your dad left...He isn't coming back...I know this is hard for you, and it may seem scary....He left because he was not happy..And sometimes, people do the right things for themselves, at the wrong time..... He left because we as a husband and wife were not happy together... I am also to blame...and before anyone else tells you anything, you will first hear it from me... I have not always been a good wife because of my unhappiness, and I will accept the blame for it all....This has nothing to do with you...It is my fault...so don't think it was because of you...I love you..I will never leave you, and we will get through this together.It will be hard, but I promise you, time will heal, and love will make it better....." "Is there anything you want to say?"

He looked at me, and hugged me and said "Mom, your a good mom...We will be fine, please don't cry."
And I held him....I held him for dear life....After that I told him to stay at the house for a minute, I had to run to the church...I went to my church, and announced to everyone in a tearful confession, that I failed in my marriage, that I was not perfect, and that my husband had left us. My Pastor got up and hugged me and we all held each other as I cried, and we prayed.... I left- went home, grabbed my son and we went to Wal Mart on a shopping spree.. I bought him a few Bionicles, while I started to take charge of my crumbled life. I bought locks for the new door, I bought cameras to install around the house, a vacuum cleaner, household cleaner, storage boxes... After my spree my son and I went back home, in which I was faced with a total of 45 voice mails...Majority were from my church....They were calling to check on us, to make arrangements to stop by and help me clean. or bring food...whatever I needed. The others, were family members that had messages left on their voice mails informing them that *He* had left and to ask me for further details.... I went through that ordeal for weeks....Weeks of explanations, weeks of "Don't worry we will be fines,".....And then the ordeal escalated...In a week I found out that rent had been back logged for 3 months and we were asked to leave our house, I found out the utilities were back logged in which I had to pay extra to re-establish services, I even found out that *He* had neglected to pay taxes for 10 years which I ended up paying a few years worth for....So- I did what any sane person would do...I took every cent from our joint checking account and created a new home...Yeah he bitched when he found out...Even tried to sue me...Guess he forgot- you cant sue for something if it's a shared account and our names are on it.....

And so...Here I am...It has been one year to the date... I look at what I just wrote and where I am now....Where *we* are now.... I am happy...I haven't been so happy... My son is happy...*He* stopped all contact with him when he left.......However- because of a mothers love, and friends, he is resilient...He doesn't ask about *Him* anymore. He stopped 6 months ago........Someone that I have totally fallen for made this statement to me- "No one else can hurt you, unless you allow them too."

I am still standing dickwad...You broke me temporarily...But look at me now! You cannot hurt me- nor have me be ashamed of anything anymore....I WON..... I MADE IT!

callie